Valluvar takes up a most important subject of family life in Chapters 5 to 24. A noble tribute has been paid to Valluvar, for this part of his work, in some theosophical writings. Generally asceticism is exalted at the expense of family life. But Thiruvalluvar, who set an example of an ideal household life to mortals, heartily praises and exhibits in the most attractive light every human and social virtue. At the outset he points to the fact that the householder is the prop of the other three orders of life, viz., Brahmacharya, Vanaprastha, and Sannyas. He helps them by giving food, medicine, etc., to enable them to follow their Path without any worry. We are told:
Family duty consists not in sensuality or pleasure hunting, but in cultivating and in elevating the emotional nature (the fourth principle), of ourselves and of our family; in being equally "kind," not only to the members of the family, but also to all creatures, and in enjoying all such pleasures of the family life as are consistent with the acquirement of "wealth" (all the means necessary for the performance of Dharma or whole duty) according to the teachings of Valluvar, and in utilizing such pleasures and means for the performance of our duty to our nation. (U.L.T. Pamphlet No. 34, p. 4)
Valluvar's laws of the householder are based on the ancient Smriti and the Manava Dharma Shastra, as he points out his duty to his forefathers, to gods, guests, relatives, etc. What makes a family happy? Love and Virtue, says Valluvar. He founded his system on Love—the fountain of all virtues. He even goes so far as to say that the life of a perfect householder is far greater than the Path of the ascetics, because he keeps others on the right path and himself does not swerve from his duties. Valluvar hints at the notorious hypocrisy of many professed ascetics who call themselves Yogis, Fakirs, and sannyasis but whose morality is questionable. He says: "There is no greater and nobler life than the one free from reproach."
After pointing out the importance and greatness of the householder's life, he refers in the next chapter to the "Lady of the house." She is the true partner in life who possesses the wifely virtues and adapts her expenditure to her husband's income. She is the glory of the house. He emphasizes Chastity, Prudence, Faithfulness to her husband and the performance of her duties as the necessary qualities of a virtuous wife. Such a dutiful wife, our poet says, inherits heaven with all its glory and even the gods obey her. Her virtue is the grace of a home, her children its adornment.
The next chapter is devoted to "sons." In India, among all classes of men there is a very powerful sentiment that a man, who dies without a son to perform the ceremonies for the departed, must suffer in hell. Therefore even if he had not one, he adopts one to maintain the household fire, to discharge the duties of hospitality and to perform the ceremonies for the dead. The poet says that intelligent offspring are the greatest asset; they are a man's riches. There is no greater joy to parents, be they rich or poor, black or white, than when they hear the sweet lisping of their child.
What is the duty of the father to the son? Valluvar says: "The good which a father can do to his son is to make him occupy the first rank in the assembly." What a world of ideas in a short couplet! A wise son is not only the proud support of his parents but the delight of the world. What about the mother? She is more happy when she hears of her son's greatness than when she gave birth to him, says the Kural.
Has the child any duty to the parents? Certainly, Valluvar says: "The service that a child can pay to the parents is to make people exclaim, 'What a fortunate parent, the fruit of his good deeds is this child!'" Therefore Mr. Judge says: "A householder contributes a service to humanity, who leaves children to take his place after his death, and to reproduce his true and altruistic life." (Letters That Have Helped Me)
What has Theosophy to say on Marriage? Theosophy, the philosophy of common sense and the quintessence of duty, does not preach against marriage for the common man.
Says Mr. Judge: "It is perfectly proper that when a suitable mate is found a man should marry and settle down as a householder, bringing up a family with right views and high purposes" (Letters That Have Helped Me). Says H.P.B.: "Surely you cannot believe us so absurd and fanatical as to preach against marriage altogether. On the contrary, save in a few exceptional cases of Practical Occultism, marriage is the only remedy against immorality." (The Key to Theosophy)
If thou art told that to gain liberation thou hast to hate thy mother and disregard thy son; to disavow thy father and call him "householder"; for man and beast all pity to renounce—tell them their tongue is false. (The Voice of the Silence, p. 31)
The Brahmin was a grihastha, a family man, till a certain period of his life, when, after begetting a son, he broke with married life and became a chaste yogi. (S.D., II, 411)
If family duties are taken due care of, our duties to the nation and to humanity would, to a great extent, take care of themselves unimpeded. (U.L.T. Pamphlet No. 34, p. 4)
Having given us the Dharma of the members of the household, Valluvar next treats of the qualities or virtues to be posessed and developed by the householder. First comes Sympathy—loving kindness—Compassion—the mother of all virtues. There is no bolt to fasten one's love. One teardrop in the eye of one whom we love, must draw a flood of tears from ours; that is true love, says Valluvar.
Light on the Path calls tears "the moisture of life." Mr. Judge calls Love "the master of life" in The Ocean of Theosophy. Says The Voice of the Silence:
Compassion is no attribute. It is the Law of LAWS—eternal Harmony, Alaya's SELF; a shoreless universal essence, the light of everlasting right, and fitness of all things, the law of Love eternal. (pp. 75-76)
Let thy Soul lend its ear to every cry of pain like as the lotus bares its heart to drink the morning sun. (p. 14)
Let not the fierce Sun dry one tear of pain before thyself hast wiped it from the sufferer's eye. (p. 14)
But let each burning human tear drop on thy heart and there remain; nor ever brush it off, until the pain that caused it is removed. (p. 14)
No wonder then that Valluvar mentions this quality as the first one for a true householder. The joy of heaven is but the fruit of a righteous life rooted in love. "Of what use are one's outward features if one's heart is devoid of love?" He says that, that love body alone is the seat of life wherein love dwells; all others are simply bone overlaid with skin.
The joys of domestic life are given to man only to minister to the guests, and this is possible only if both the husband and wife are in harmony, says the poet in his chapter on "Hospitality." Fortune smiles on the house of one who entertains the guests with cheerful face. The field of one who partakes of what remains after entertaining the guests will ever flourish. In olden days the householder used to take his meals only after giving food to a stranger.
Shri Krishna says that those who eat not but what is left of the offerings shall be purified of all their transgressions. The merits of hospitality cannot be measured; it is not the amount of aid but the necessity and motive that judge the merit.
The poet closes this chapter with a beautiful simile: "As a sweet flower withers when smelt, so the guest under a displeased look."
Courtesy or affability is necessary for hospitality and so the next chapter treats of this quality. "Speak with a pleasant and cheerful look though you may not give bounty. This is within the reach of even the lowly. Humility and loving words are the only true ornaments. Sweet words that bring cheer to others will light up the path of virtue and yield happiness both here and hereafter."
Lord Krishna mentions under the austerities of speech, gentle speech, which causes no anxiety and is truthful and friendly. (Gita, XVII)
The poet says, "Why should one use harsh words knowing the sweetness of courteous speech? To avoid sweet words and indulge in offensive ones is like preferring the unripe fruit to a ripe fruit. Kind and gentle words give comfort and hope to the distressed and troubled."
Mr. Judge calls words "living messengers" and asks us to use them carefully.
Next comes the quality of "gratitude." All the great Teachers of the World have with one voice said: "Forget no benefit conferred." Ingratitude is one of the worst sins and prevents one's progress on the spiritual path. A Master of wisdom said: "Ingratitude is not among our vices." Valluvar wants us to forget then and there the injury done by another, but never, never to forget the benefit received; there is salvation for those guilty of any other sin, but no redemption for the sin of ingratitude. The Good, he says, remember with gratitude all through seven births the friendship of those who have helped them in their suffering. He exhorts us neither to give up nor to forget those who have stood by us in the hour of sorrow. Timely help is of infinite value and hence the saying that "a friend in need is a friend indeed."
(To be concluded)
Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.
—Arthur Gordon