The question repeatedly asked in our society characterized by strained parent-child relationships, is: "How should we, adults, raise our children, so that they become self-reliant, without becoming self-willed, selfish or overly liberated?" The answer involves not only the art of bringing up children, and moral issues like self-reliance and liberation, but revolves mainly around making a healthful and satisfying relationship in a family—less stressful and more rewarding.
For this objective, two principles are to be kept in view:
- Each child is an old soul in a new body, having its own destiny to fulfil in the midst of his family, with which he is karmically linked. Therefore, every child must be respected as an equal, recognizing our karmic responsibility for its spiritual growth and the unfoldment of its latent powers and faculties. Each child has its unique "soul-background," character and temperament from its past lives lived on earth. Each life, therefore, is an educative interaction between these characteristics (skandhas) and the surrounding. Like gardeners, we as guardians should preserve a balance between "nurture" and "nature," the soul (seed) and the soil, for the normal development of the tender plant called a "child."
There is an ancient and honourable tradition regarding human interrelationship, i.e., rules of behaviour between elders, equals, and youngsters. The elders are looked up to and relied on for their power to guide, protect, and nurture with patience and loving care, all those under them, including servants, the under-privileged, and also creatures belonging to lower kingdoms. With equals, a pleasant intervention of warmth, respect and co-operation should promote mutual growth and well-being. The younger ones, being physically and emotionally dependent, naturally look up to the adults, expecting and assured dependability, love, and care, and in return respond with affection and gratitude, trust and respect, toward parents, teachers, and even elder siblings. Once this principle of hierarchical relationship is promoted, not by strict regimentation but by mutuality and cultured environment, and especially by being a "role model," most issues in a normal family can be sorted out sympathetically, intelligently and skilfully.
It is not a matter of doing a particular thing, but basically, it is a way of living together with mutual love, trust and respect. One negative rule is certain: Elders should never ignore or deny the emotional needs of those of tender age, nor should they rush to moralize condescendingly, or lose self-control in the presence of impressionable kids. Adults are always considered as "role models" for youngsters to emulate. A response with "empathy," i.e., understanding plus acknowledging the fragile feelings of immaturity, will go a long way to a smooth and rewarding relationship from the start. In a pleasant atmosphere, the management of children of any age becomes a less difficult charge, and inculcation of "values" and grace without bumps becomes possible.
Before considering the need for generating "self-reliance" but ending in self-willed behaviour of the modern "liberated" youngsters, certain rules are in order. The most important key to sharpen the skills of parentting is: Communication and Accessability. Children must be able to count on us and feel safe to share with us, if we desire to be the "ethical negotiators" in a collaborative atmosphere.
Communication skills mainly consist of sympathetic listening and responding. It means putting one's self in the back seat, and preserving objectivity and empathy, in order to elicit smooth co-operation. There is, for instance, a tactful art of saying "no"—in a roundabout way sometimes—and yet getting things done our way!
Now the main question remains: How to inculcate self-reliance and yet draw a line before the "self-liberated" youngster chooses to behave in an unacceptable way? For instance, to set a reasonable limit to his unreasonable demands, we first need sensitivity, tolerance and understanding of the needs of the new generation of "modern" youngsters. Verbally, too, we may acknowledge these emotional needs, as this is acceptable to the child and presents us as "reasonable adults." Once the youngster, however self-willed by habit or nature, feels secure that his feelings and emotions behind his demands are understood—"I know how you feel!"—he becomes willing to listen to the other side. When a person loves and trusts someone, he strives to understand that person's point of view, and to be helpful.
Love and endearing language create an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect which are an absolute pre-requisite for any negotiation. To this, if we add sympathy, the persuasion and adjustment are not so difficult.
This is easier said than done, and needs sincere efforts, amidst occasional failures and long practice! And failures should not dishearten us; we must patiently keep trying. It is our duty.
Does it mean being a soft, "permissive parent" who is yielding before the heat of youthful demands—tantrums? Silent permission to express feelings, even if it hurts, can reduce tension. Then the young blood may be ready to consider other options that may be suggested to channelize activities into permissible directions. Yet there should be no hesitation in setting an acceptable limit to youthful zest which otherwise may carry it away into uncontrolled revelry! A firm request to "mind the language" is in order.
As for self-reliance, self-confidence, self-esteem, etc., to be encouraged in our children, the first rule is enthusiastic appreciation of whatever progress the child has made. Praise and even "thanks" must be expressed whenever it is due. This motivates further effort.
Children instinctively know their dependence on elders and yet resent to be always treated as "kids" and being supervised or frequently told how to do things. Children also hate invasion on their personal space. For instance, when we insist on a hair-cut according to our notion of what is proper. The child may be led to choose from among activities which are mutually acceptable.
Children want to be independent "grown-ups" and at the same time remain children! To become an "independent" person means less "dependent relationships" with others. This is a process that cannot be enhanced by demanding obedience all the time or by external controls or inhibitions. Nor should independence be construed as permission to indulge in unrestrained freedom. A judicious balance is a rule in all life's endeavours. The function of the adult is not to offer readymade solutions and instant advice to the young learner of skills. The child should know that we are always available and helpful whenever required. The child should be allowed to wrestle with his own problem. He can be stimulated to think positively and constructively by himself. He should be made to see that learning means the process of successes and failures. But the policy is to "try, and try again, till you succeed."
When H.P.B. said "children are our salvation," she meant that they represent the future destiny of humanity. The way we nurture now, psychologically and morally, the young generation, will condemn or salvage all of us with the season of ripening and when the fruits will have to be harvested.
And a woman....said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's
longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong
not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, nor even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them but seek not
to make them like you.—Kahlil Gibran